by Roger Fields and Ken Dovey
- The last time you made it to the adult service you tried to do the motions to Amazing Grace.
- You were banned from the produce aisle of the local grocery store for singing the theme song to Veggie Tales.
- Your summer begins when VBS ends.
- Your version of Jesus’ first miracle has Him turning water into Kool Aid.
- You once gave your spouse the quiet seat prize after dinner.
- You rolled your eyes when the pastor told the congregation how much the choir members sacrifice to serve God.
- You are starting to have meaningful conversations with your favorite puppet.
- In the church foyer everyone runs when they see you coming for fear you’re trying to recruit them.
- You’re afraid to close your eyes when you pray.
- When people ask you how many children you have you tell them between 60 and 70.
- You carry crackers in your pockets.
- You have a helium tank in your office.
- Your cracker and juice budget is bigger than your salary.
- You buy everything in bulk.
- You honesty believe you are only doing this temporarily until the church finds someone else.
- You were stunned to learn that some scissors are pointed.
- You once got stuck in the playground tube at McDonald’s.
- You scotch-guarded your entire minivan.
- The children’s workers are taking bets on how long you will last.
- You once cut up your pajamas to build a flannel graph board.
- You plan an event for 200 and 50 show up.
- You plan an event for 50 and 200 show up.
- You prefer a root canal to meeting with the church board.
- You know how to pray for healing for dogs, cats and goldfish.
- The Senior Pastor has forgotten your name.
- You have forgotten the Senior Pastor’s name.
- The church janitor won’t speak to you.
- You understand the terms: tinkle, winkie tink, stinker, and TT
- You’ve never heard a guest speaker at your church.
- You went to a four star restaurant and requested animal crackers for dessert.
- You once sat up straight in the middle of the night and yelled at the top of your lungs, “IS THE BIG SERVICE OUT YET?!!!!”
